


Stay

by Fanfic_Annie



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotions, F/F, Feelings, Intimacy, LGBT, Vanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-24 06:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15625188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanfic_Annie/pseuds/Fanfic_Annie
Summary: Charity visits Vanessa the night after her and Debbie trash Joe's house.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love the scene where Debbie and Charity trash Joe's house after he throws Debbie out. And I wanted to explore how the two women are opening up to each other and getting closer, how the trust is developing between them way before Charity's big reveal about Bails.

Vanessa trudged down the stairs. Johnny wouldn't go to sleep tonight, he'd been uncharacteristically whingey and clingy and wouldn't settle. Probably her mood was affecting his. Eventually she'd just had to shut the door and leave him in the hope that he would wear himself out and drift off without her. She hated doing that, it didn't sit right with her, but she didn't know what else to do and sometimes it was the only thing that worked.

She'd had a crap day at work. It had been a busy one, as per, in the aftermath of the Christmas period and the continued coldness of winter. Plus it had been one of those 3-vets-squabbling days that usually didn't bother her but somehow today had got under her skin. There was such familiarity between them now that most of the time they existed in relative harmony, with solid routines and mutual support. But occasionally, when they were all tired and tetchy and it was cold outside and they had various things going on in their lives, they took it out on each other. Then it felt like they had razor-sharp edges and all they did was slice each other up. 

So quite frankly she was pleased to have a night in on her own. With nothing but a glass of white, a family-size bag of crisps and the tv for company. She settled down on the sofa, flicked a few channels until she found something suitably mindless and started to relax into her evening.

Halfway through her second glass there was a knock at the door. She wondered briefly whether to ignore it but her conscience got the better of her and she got up to answer it. It was Charity. Looking dishevelled, tired and grumpy. And fidgeting incessantly. Vanessa's seen it before. She does it when she's angry.

Vanessa regarded her with something approaching dismay. She closed her eyes for a moment and caught her breath. Even in the midst of her disarray, Charity still managed to look unbelievably, majestically, heart-stoppingly sexy. Opening her eyes to take her in again Vanessa felt her stomach flip and her knees wobble. Like they always do when she realises she has Charity to herself.

"Hey. You busy?"

"Er, not really. Come in. Wine?"

"What? Oh yeah, thanks." 

Vanessa walked to the kitchen to pour Charity a drink while Charity took off her coat and plonked herself on the sofa. And said nothing.

Vanessa could sense her distress. She didn't know quite what to expect from Charity like this. So far, in their developing relationship, if she dare call it that, she had seen many sides to Charity, tasted many moods on her skin. They had spent quite a bit of time together, and were starting to get to know each other. They didn't just come together for sex now, they talked. Before and afterwards. Slowly, skirtingly, hesitantly, both women were starting to let their guards down and reveal themselves, uncovering the less obvious parts that were reserved for those in a space of trust. Which currently comprised no one else for either woman and hadn't done for some time.

So Angry Charity was not completely new to Vanessa, nor were her methods for dealing with it. She never said what was bothering her, never wanted to talk it through. Instead she acted to find whatever release she needed. Sometimes fighting, to unleash her rage somewhere safe. Then she picked on Vanessa, goading her until she snapped and they argued, getting the salve she needed from verbal sparring. Other times she fell immediately on Vanessa, demanding rampant, rough sex, clawing and biting, leaving marks that took days to fade. On one occasion she had arrived so lost to the blackness within that all Vanessa could do was silently hold her tight until she resurfaced, shameful, demure and apologetic. 

Vanessa didn't mind any of that. They were developing a bond, a friendship, underpinning whatever else was going on, and she was happy to invest the time into whatever this thing between them would turn out to be. She knew it would take a lot for Charity to open up and she felt honoured that she was the one that Charity was choosing to share herself with. And Charity chose her more and more, the closer they got. 

But the mechanics of it were wearing and tonight she didn't know how much patience she had. She couldn't take much more round-the-houses Paddy-ing, as she called it and suddenly had to stifle a smile at the thought of how Charity would react to being compared to the blundering vet. The thought reminded her how much she was beginning to care about the woman sitting in her house, on her sofa, who came to her when she needed something that no one else could give her, and resolve and compassion flowed back through her veins.

She sat down next to Charity and handed her the glass, giving her the once-over as she did so. Charity's tall, commanding presence seemed a bit shabby round the edges and smaller than usual. Her shoulders held a weary droop and her face looked strained, her eyes flat and missing the usual cheeky spark that lit them up when she was around Vanessa. Without thinking Vanessa reached out and stroked Charity's cheek with her thumb. She was relieved when Charity leaned into it and sighed against Vanessa's hand.

"Oh Babe, what a day." 

Vanessa had heard a little about Charity's day from Pearl, who heard it from Diane, who had witnessed the scenes of Charity and Debbie trashing Joe's house and then being carted off by the police. So she wasn't altogether surprised when Charity had turned up on her doorstep.

"I think Debs might be really broken this time." 

Vanessa took a moment to wonder at the dichotomy in Charity's beliefs and behaviours around her capabilities as a mother. While Vanessa didn't know the ins and outs of Charity's relationship with Joe's father, she had heard enough gossip and knew enough about Charity's secret sensitivities to understand how damaging his son's arrival in the village would be to her. And yet her first reaction in this situation was how much her daughter was hurting, rather than herself. 

She said nothing, giving Charity the space to continue.

"She really loved him, Ness."

"Well that makes sense, I guess you really loved his Dad, didn't you?"

"Huh? Oh God, that doesn't bear thinking about. History repeating itself like that. I have to stop it." She jumped up, agitated. 

Vanessa grabbed her arm and pulled her gently back onto the sofa. "Maybe you do, but not tonight. There's nothing you can do tonight."

"Hmm." Charity settled back down, a little closer to Vanessa than before. Shoulders and knees lightly grazing. Charity pretended that touch didn't matter, that she didn't get succour from Vanessa's proximity, but Vanessa was noticing that she was doing it more, finding any excuse for an accidental brush, a shuffle closer. Nowhere near the point of touch for touch's sake, but going in that direction.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Vanessa tried a direct approach. It felt like it wouldn't take much to open the sluicegate for Charity's emotions to flood out. 

"Ugh. Well I can start by telling you what the police think happened." Slowly Charity recounted the the day, tentatively moving beyond into painful events of the past, with a surprising candour and self-awareness that both shocked and delighted Vanessa, despite the tragedy of the tale.

Vanessa curled one leg under her and leaned back on the sofa arm as she settled in to focus on what Charity was saying. One ear on the stories being narrated, she studied the woman in front of her, monitoring her own reactions to Charity as she revisited uncomfortable places that should have stayed locked away in her memories.

No one has had the impact on her that Charity does. She is mesmorised by her - endlessly fascinated by her mind, her history, her character. She loves her unpredictability, not ever knowing what will happen and being joyfully thrilled when she does something to let Vanessa know she matters. Risk lives in the air around Charity, she constantly dances between excitement and danger with peril never lurking too far away. Such energy pulls on a deep yearning within Vanessa, that has lain dormant for some time, a far-off whisper, wanting more from a life that has dealt her the hand she currently plays.

Charity's complexities and depths take Vanessa's breath away and nothing is giving her more pleasure than discovering new sides of Charity, those that sit beneath the surface that very few, if anyone, gets to see. She suspects that some elements are only emerging because of her and that they are both enjoying discovering those parts at the same time.

Even though they are not officially together, still playing the will-we-won't-we game, Vanessa knows that she doesn't want to be anywhere except in Charity's company. It may be infatuation, it may pass, everything may fade and die between them as they discover that what they have isn't real. But she doesn't think it will. It feels bigger than that. She wants her. Wants to give herself fully and get everything in return. She knows its early days, but she has no doubt.

Except one: that her feelings are reciprocated. She sees so many signs in Charity that she feels the same - a tiny affectionate glance flashed in Vanessa's direction when she thinks she isn't looking, crying her name in the height of her passion, when she is laid bare and has no angle and nothing to gain. The attention she demands from Vanessa whenever they are in the same vicinity. The way she is beginning to disclose truths, as she is doing now, like she's starting to believe she can trust her. 

But there are times when Charity pulls away, refuses to admit there is anything more than a physical attraction between them. When she falls back on them just having a bit of fun. If Vanessa tries to push for something more, even just an admission that something more may be possible, Charity turns, ridiculing and taunting her, lashing out and hurting to drive Vanessa away. And then she stays away for days at a time, until the lure of Vanessa gets too strong and she crawls back, full of bluster and badly-disguised repentance.

So Vanessa is learning not to push or pull. Instead of trying to drag Charity with her as she falls, she just shifts to a different place and waits for Charity to join her. Tonight then, she has welcomed her in, indicated that she is ready and willing for anything Charity needs to give or take from her and paused, allowing Charity to choose whether she meets her or not. 

And Charity does meet her. Slowly, haltingly, at times unwillingly, Charity is dismantling her barriers around Vanessa, almost against her will, as if she can't help it. Showing tiny glimpses of her true self, the Charity that exists without guile, without mask. Tonight she is revealing more than ever before, Vanessa wonders if its the most she ever has. 

And in return Vanessa will show her that it's ok, that vulnerability brings its own reward. She will subtly cherish and comfort her, so gently that Charity may not even realise it's happening, but will somehow know that she is safe with Vanessa. And then maybe she'll stay. Vanessa wants her to stay. 

Eventually Charity reaches the end of her story, her words dry up and she falls silent, her weary eyes reflecting sadness and deeply felt pain, locked on Vanessa's. Searching for something, Vanessa doesn't know what. Reassurance, judgement, forgiveness, relief, trust? All of them probably. Vanessa will give them all, except judgement. She doesn't find Charity lacking in anything that she wants to impose or improve in her. She doesn't think Charity is bad for what she does and how she feels. Her heart breaks with what she hears of Charity's experiences and vows to give anything she can to ease her suffering. 

In the silence between them she notices that they are touching, Charity's hand laid over hers resting on the sofa back, gently stroking her knuckles with her thumb. She reaches forward and lifts her spare hand to brush a stray piece of hair away from Charity's face, stroking the back of her head as she does so. "Do you want to stay?" she asks, softly.

Surprise flashes across Charity's face. "Do you want me to?" As if she was expecting Vanessa to condemn her and throw her out after her dark confessions.

"Of course," Vanessa keeps her tone light, as if they had been discussing the weekly shop rather than the diabolical events that lay in Charity's past. She wants Charity to know that it makes no difference to her, whatever is in her history. That Vanessa wants her for who she is now. That she still wants her, whatever she reveals.

Charity looks at her suspiciously, as if questioning her motives. Vanessa chuckles softly. "I'm not asking you for sex, Charity, I'm asking if you want to be with me tonight." 

She sees panic flit across Charity's face then, so she raises her hands to cup her head, forcing Charity to look at her and staring levelly into her eyes. 

"Its ok," she says. "I'm not proposing marriage, or expecting you to commit to anything. Just spend the night. Sleep next to me. Here. Together."

She feels Charity relax then, her instinct to flee overcome by her need for comfort, for Vanessa. Charity nods once and drops her head, her muffled whisper barely there. "Yes. Please."

Vanessa reaches for Charity's hand as she gets up from the sofa and leads her quietly up the stairs.


	2. the morning after the night before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charity assesses the impact of her frankness the previous evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did this because it was asked for. It took a while to come. I hope it was worth the wait.

Charity awoke slowly. She stretched luxuriously and yawned, pushing her arms out in front of her and relishing the muscle spasm that ran the length of her entire body, waking itself up after a long and healing sleep. She felt good. No, she felt great. Light and unburdened, freer than she had in years. 

As her brain flicked into gear she recalled the night before. She remembered the conversation, how she had spoken about her past, things that were locked away, hidden from herself, let alone anyone else. She paused, waiting for the dismay and panic to hit her, for her thoughts to turn to damage control and revenge, but strangely, that didn't happen. 

She examined her feelings. She felt ok. Better than ok. She felt safe. Something in her had shifted, like a weight she had been carrying on her back for years had suddenly gone. Yes. She rolled her shoulders. The tension that had lived there for as long as she can remember had eased.

She ran back through what she had said last night. She winced as she thought of the secrets that had fallen unbidden from her lips, not only the facts but how she had felt, the harm that had occured and the aftermath, how it had shaped her future. And she realised that in opening up like that she had released a little of the power that her past held over her. 

It felt new. She had never shared her burdens with anyone else. Sure she had talked to her friends and family, but never confessed truths in the way she did last night. Never opened up so completely, so fully. Like she does when she is with Vanessa.

With Vanessa she feels safe. She feels trust. And she is drawn to her in a way that she hasn't been drawn to anyone, ever. She really likes her. Maybe more. But she doesn't want anyone to know that. Especially not Vanessa. It's too soon, too risky, too dangerous. She can open herself up a little, like she did last night, because to be honest, when she's with her, she can't help herself. But she can't do more than that. She won't do more than that. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Because it doesn't work. Love and her don't go together. Big love doesn't happen to her. She doesn't even know that she'd recognise it, if it did. But that doesn't matter because she knows it won't happen. Not to her.

If it was going to happen, if it was real and possible and true, there was a high chance it would happen with Vanessa. She would want it to happen with Vanessa. Part of her fantasises about it happening with Vanessa. She dreams that they are together. Linked, joined, standing as one, them against the world. Where they share everything, don't hold each other in judgement and are safe in each other's arms. And where that big empty hole in the middle of her is filled. With Vanessa's love. 

She doesn't deserve that though. She's known that since she was a child. No one wants that with her, no one wants to fight her corner, no one loves her. Because she's not worth it.

She should go. Vanessa won't want her for much longer. Not if she can't keep her gob shut and keeps spilling these awful truths. She should go. Before Vanessa knows her. And realises the truth about how unloveable she is. She should go. Before she is thrown out. Or even worse, before she is just left, thinking that Vanessa will come back when she won't. She doesn't want to go. She wants to stay forever. More than she's wanted to stay anywhere, ever. But maybe she should go.

She turned over in the bed, to find Vanessa sitting up against the pillows, cradling a cup of tea, watching her with a cautious but soft look on her face. "Morning," she said quietly. "You slept well."

Charity didn't reply. She just looked at Vanessa, indecision and uncertainty in her eyes. They both knew that they were at a point, one of those moments that changed everything, forever. If Charity fled now, and they were both aware how real this possibility was, she wouldn't come back. That would be it, game over. The next words spoken would decide their fate. So neither spoke, they just stared, daring the other to make the first move.

Vanessa flicked her head towards the bedside table. "I made you tea. Stay and drink it?" Charity turned, sat up and picked up the cup. She wasn't sure, but she wanted to buy herself more time. She lay back against the headboard and took a sip. 

She felt Vanessa's fingers curl around her hand, lying on the bed between them. "Stay for a bit, yeah?" Vanessa continued with the direct approach that had worked the night before. 

Charity sensed Vanessa's need to keep her there, her desperation showing through the faint crack in her voice. It warmed Charity, knowing that Vanessa wanted her to stay. And also that she was becoming familiar enough with Vanessa's moods and emotions to recognise it and feel it with her. But...

"I really need to..."

"Stay, Charity. Please."

Charity looked away from Vanessa then, but didn't move to leave the bed. She took another sip of tea. 

"You know, you're not the only one with a past. There are things I've done that I'd rather forget." 

Charity laughed derisively. "What, Vanessa? Did you kill a hamster by mistake and not own up to it?" It was a reflex, a practiced method of pushing people away that rarely, if ever, failed. This time though, she kind of hoped it would.

"No, Charity," Vanessa said calmly, lifting her hand from Charity's to wrap it around her cup, the only sign that Charity's barb had hit its mark. "I supplied drugs to a friend of mine who was hooked on painkillers because I loved her and I wanted her to love me back and so I practically broke up her marriage and controlled her habit to get what I wanted."

Charity turned her head and stared incredulously at Vanessa. As if she didn't believe her ears. And then a wave of comprehension swept across her face. "Rhona," was all she said. Vanessa coloured and blinked in confirmation, but said nothing.

"Chas told me about it, about her and Paddy's problems, way back when," Charity continued. "She didn't mention you, though."

Vanessa's laugh was bitter. "Yeah, well, history is written by the victors, isn't it?"

Charity frowned at her. "What?"

"They wrote me out of the story. Rhona's tragic tale. Like I wasn't there and I didn't matter. And I didn't get hurt."

"Tell me your story, then." Charity spoke softly, attentively. "Tell me, Ness."

Vanessa alternatively spoke and cried. Recounting honest, raw and painful things, speaking words that had never been spoken before. And Charity listened, feeling Vanessa's words touch her heart. Her eyes filled, Vanessa's pain resonating deep in her chest, as her resolve to leave weakened and her reluctance to believe in love started to crumble. 

When Vanessa had finished talking Charity felt a fluttering in her chest, a rising panic. A ball of energy shot up her spine, making her limbs tingle. She needed to move, so she did. Surprising herself, she moved towards Vanessa, not away from her. She took Vanessa's mug from her and put it with her own on the bedside table. Then she reached for Vanessa, pulling her close into her chest. She felt Vanessa relax in her arms as she let out a deep sigh. Finding Vanessa's mouth with hers she kissed her, gently at first, then with more intensity when she felt Vanessa respond to the growing heat between them.

As she started to manoeuvre them both down onto the bed Vanessa pulled back. "I don't want a pity fuck, Charity," she said.

"Vanessa, I neither give nor receive those," came the response as Charity leaned in and kissed her again, hot and hard.

"But..." Vanessa's protest was cut off once more.

"Babe, how about you close your mouth and open your legs," breathed Charity into Vanessa's mouth, as she lay her flat on the bed and commenced her journey downwards.

Afterwards they lay tangled together. Charity lay on her back, with Vanessa half lying on her. Her head rested on Charity's shoulder, one leg settled in between Charity's and her arm draped over Charity's torso, her hand cupping Charity's breast. They were quiet, slowly coming down and recovering.

"Thank you," Charity's words seemed to come out of the blue.

"You're very welcome," came the response, "but I don't think you need to single me out. We both deserve a medal for that performance."

"Ha," Charity barked out a laugh. "But I didn't mean for that."

"Well, now I've got one and you've got one. I won't tell if you won't. Safer that way." 

Vanessa looked like she wanted to say more and Charity was grateful that she chose not to. She understood perfectly and didn't want to think too much about the implications. About the growing trust. And about her desire for that trust to be real. Because if that trust was real, what else could be real that she didn't think was possible? She felt a stirring of something that was almost unrecognisable, a feeling that had become a stranger to her a long time ago. She thought it might be hope.

She shifted. "I really had better go now. I've got to open up. And you know, get back before anyone notices I'm not there." She mentally kicked herself, for saying that. For being so bloody obvious and blatant. And for making out that she doesn't want to stay. Because she does.

Vanessa rolled off her and out of the bed. "Sure. Johnny will be up soon anyway." She pulled on a robe and left the room, heading to the bathroom.

Charity lay there for a minute, just breathing. Taking a moment. To pretend that this is her life, this is her daily routine, this is her home. She jumped when Vanessa's voice cut through her thoughts.

"Thought you had to go." She lifted her head to see Vanessa watching her curiously from the doorway. She smiled ruefully, unable to mask the mixture of emotions flooding her senses. Her eyes closed as her head dropped back onto the bed.

"Yeah, well, maybe I'm not in such a hurry to get back out there." 

She felt Vanessa sit on the bed beside her and lay her hand on her ribcage, just below her breasts. 

"You can stay as long as you want."

Charity covered Vanessa's hand with hers, linking their fingers together over her heart. Maybe she will. Just a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmm. Its a bit wordy. Let me know if you made it this far. And if you did, thanks.


End file.
